What We Tolerate Teaches: Emotional Boundaries at Work
- Jul 21
- 3 min read
Have you ever caught yourself replaying the same conversation over and over in your mind—an interaction with your boss, a tense moment with a colleague—trying to figure out what went wrong. You go over every word, tone, gesture. You try to piece it all together like a puzzle, hoping that if you just understand it better, you’ll finally feel peace.
But you don’t.
That’s when I had to learn a powerful truth: Love is not a puzzle to be solved.
And in the workplace, love isn’t just about warm fuzzy feelings—it’s about psychological safety, mutual respect, and the freedom to be yourself without needing to prove your worth. When we chase after connection by overanalyzing, overexplaining, and overgiving, we often find ourselves stuck in relationships where one person is doing all the emotional labor.
In healthy environments—at home or work—love is not one-sided. It’s not a competition. And it’s definitely not about tolerating behavior that drains us, hoping it will eventually get better. The hard truth? What we tolerate teaches others how to treat us.
When we feel stuck—especially at work—it’s natural to wonder, “Is it just me?” And sometimes, it might be. That’s why reflection is so important. We must be willing to check in with ourselves first—our patterns, our energy, and how we’re showing up. But sometimes, even when we’re doing our part- we've taken owenership, we've apologized, we've explained -- the environment simply doesn’t support who we are or how we thrive. It may lack trust, safety, or the space for honest connection. And I want to say this gently: I know leaving a difficult workplace isn’t always an immediate option. There are real-life responsibilities—families to care for, bills to pay, and uncertainty to face. So this isn’t about walking out the door. This is about walking back to yourself—regaining your clarity, protecting your energy, and deciding what you will or won’t carry moving forward.
One of the tools I use with organizations is the Collaboration Continuum. It helps teams identify where they are in their working relationships—whether they’re in Isolation (disconnected), Competition (territorial), Exchange (transactional), Cooperation (tentative), or Synergy (unified and purposeful). Most teams want to live at Synergy, but many operate far from it because people are afraid to say what they feel. And fear is often disguised as tolerance.
Let’s be real: some of you are tolerating avoidant coworkers—people who won’t speak up, won’t collaborate, won’t acknowledge the tension in the room. And if you’re someone who values connection, that can feel personal. It’s not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
So what do we do? We often shift into proving mode. We try harder. We work longer. We people-please. And all of this comes from a place of believing that if we just do enough, we’ll finally feel included, valued, or safe.
But here's the truth: You don’t need to prove your worth to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
Carl Jung once said, “What you resist not only persists—but grows.” When we resist setting boundaries or speaking up, we don’t keep the peace—we just prolong the pain. Avoidance never leads to connection. It leads to disconnection, burnout, and resentment.
Still, I get it. Speaking up takes courage. Setting boundaries in the workplace can feel risky. But here’s what I know: There’s always one thing you can shift, and that’s your energy. You can start choosing yourself in small, brave ways.
Sometimes love looks like:
Saying “I’m not available for that today.”
No longer explaining your worth to people who never asked.
Leaving the meeting without carrying the emotional debris home with you.
Redirecting your energy toward those who do see and value you.
So let me leave you with a few questions to sit with:
Where are you over-functioning in a relationship that isn’t mutual?
What story are you telling yourself about why you haven’t spoken up?
What would it feel like to stop solving the puzzle—and start honoring your peace?
What’s one small boundary you could set today to shift your energy?
The workplace is not meant to be a battlefield for belonging. You deserve to work in a space where your energy is respected, your voice is heard, and your presence is celebrated. And until that space exists, create it—first within yourself.
Because when you stop solving people, you start saving yourself.
With something to think about. Have an amazing week!
Niki Spears
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