For many years of my life, I was trapped in a mental prison, bound by a belief system that kept me in suffering. This prison was constructed by years of programming and was formed brick by brick from my core beliefs. Our core beliefs are those deep convictions we have adopted about ourselves, others, and/or the world around us. In my book, The Beauty Underneath the Struggle: Creating Your B.U.S Story, I talk about the Family Belief Camp. From the moment we enter the world (and even in the womb) we are enrolled in this camp where our parents and caregivers shape our minds in the same way that there’s were shaped before us. Our family members and caregivers begin to educate us about the world around us by teaching us how to label, judge, and interpret our experiences. Because we are enrolled in this camp at such a young, impressionable age, many of us don’t understand that we have a choice as to “what” we choose to believe so we begin to see the world just as our caregivers see it. And the saddest part about this campsite is the curriculum that is taught is rarely undated. We pass down the same teachings (many which are negative) from one generation to the next. After attending this camp for several years, many of us shape our core beliefs that become our lens for which we view ourselves and the world. And unfortunately, many of us are still enrolled in this camp today and have never graduated, many of us will stay in this camp until the day we die, never challenging the programming we received.
My hope and my desire is that we all wake up and realize that many of the teachings we learned years ago are preventing us from living healthy lives today. We are all on the journey to find peace, love, and happiness and no matter how hard to look, we end up feeling that it is a dream that will never be realized.
In my quest to find my peace and break free from this mental prison, I’ve learned to look at each brick that creates a wall preventing me from discovering my true self. One of those bricks carried one of my most harmful beliefs which was this feeling of unworthiness. This one brick required me to tolerate unhealthy behaviors from others. This belief held me captive, especially when it came to my unwavering loyalty to family, regardless of the cost.
I believed that family was sacred, and loyalty was paramount. No matter the mistreatment, the disrespect, or the toxicity, you were expected to endure, why? Because it's your family. This conditioning, coupled with feelings of unworthiness, created an unhealthy cycle that I struggled to break. Until I decided that I was no longer going to tolerate mistreatment from others – whether that be from a mother, father, sibling, husband, or even my children.
This journey of self-discovery has helped me look at the prison wall I built, brick by brick, and confront my feelings of unworthiness and fear.
I’ve learned to have courage, self-compassion, and most importantly self-love. I’ve learned that I am worthy of the same love, respect, and happiness I try to share with others. I realized that I had the power to choose my own destiny and to surround myself with people who uplifted and supported me. No longer do I feel the need to tolerate relationships that are unhealthy.
Many of you may find yourself in this same situation. Well, it’s time to break free from the chains of unhealthy relationships. While this is a process, it will take time for you to shatter some of the beliefs you learned in your camp. I do know and believe it can be accomplished once you begin to believe that you are worthy.
Below are five steps to reclaim your worth and unlock the mental prison you’ve created.
Recognize the Patterns:
Identify the specific behaviors that are harmful.
Acknowledge the emotional impact of these behaviors.
Understand the underlying beliefs that are fueling your tolerance.
Challenge Your Beliefs:
Question the validity of the beliefs that are holding you back.
Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations.
Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.
Set Clear Boundaries:
Communicate your needs and expectations clearly and assertively.
Enforce your boundaries consistently, without apology.
Be prepared to distance yourself from those who refuse to respect your boundaries.
Prioritize Self-Care:
Make time for activities that nourish your soul.
Practice mindfulness and meditation to reduce stress.
Seek professional help if needed.
Cultivate Positive Relationships:
Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.
Build strong, healthy relationships based on mutual respect and love.
Let go of toxic relationships, even if they are with family members.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. By breaking free from the chains of unhealthy relationships, you not only find your peace, you discover yourself.
With something to think about. Make it a great life or not, the choice is yours!
Niki Spears
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