The Monsters Under the Bed… or the Monsters in Our Head?

Were you one of those kids who was convinced that there was a monster hiding underneath your bed at night? I remember lying in bed at night, with my eyes tightly shut convinced that if I opened them I would see him - the monster waiting for just the right moment to reach out and grab me. Thank goodness my little sister and I shared a bed, she would bring me little comfort. But nevertheless my heart would race, my body would tense, and my imagination would be filled with terror.

But the monsters weren’t under the bed. They were in my head.

How many of us can relate to this — even as adults.? Because yes, adults do this too… just in more sophisticated ways.

Let me explain. When someone hurts you, triggers you, ignores you, or behaves in ways you don’t understand, your nervous system goes on high alert. Monster approaching. There'is a monster here.

Almost instantly, our minds get to work. We begin to label. Diagnose. Inflate. We take one interaction, one feeling, one moment of discomfort, and turn the person into something bigger, scarier, and more powerful than they actually are.

We label them--

malicious.

Evil.

Narcissistic.

Out to get us.

And for a moment, those labels feel comforting, they seem to keep us safe because they alert us of danger. They give us certainty. They give us a story. They give our anxious minds something solid to hold onto.

But here’s what I’m learning: when we turn people into monsters, we also turn up our own anxiety. We make ourselves smaller. We hand over our peace. We stay stuck in fight-or-flight, scanning for danger that may not be as real — or as powerful — as it feels.

I'm not saying behavior doesn’t matter. It does. This doesn’t mean we ignore red flags. We shouldn’t. And it definitely doesn’t mean we stay in situations that hurt us.

What it does mean is that boundaries don’t require demonization.

Most of the time the person in front of us isn’t a monster — they’re limited. Limited in awareness. Limited in emotional capacity. Limited in their ability to communicate, repair, or show up in healthy ways. And while that limitation can still hurt, it doesn’t have to live in our bodies as constant fear.

Here’s the part that worked for me and calmed my nervous system the most:

Most people are doing the best they can from their level of awareness — even when that “best” still causes pain.

Understanding that doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. But it does allow us to respond instead of react. It allows us to create distance without hatred. It allows us to protect ourselves without living in fear.

Because when we stop making people bigger than they are in our minds (our monsters), something shifts. Our breath slows. Our shoulders drop. Our bodies come out of survival mode. We remember that we have choice.

So I want you to try this for yourself. The next time you feel activated — anxious, angry, or consumed by thoughts about someone else — pause and ask yourself:

Am I responding to who this person actually is…or to the monster my fear has created?

And sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is realize they were never under the bed at all.

They were in our head.

Something to think about…

Niki Spears