The Love I’ve Been Waiting For…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve searched for peace and love in the most natural places — my children, my marriage, my family, my career. I did what many of us do: I poured myself into everyone else, hoping that one day, that same love would return back to me — full, warm, complete.

I have heard so many times that the energy you put out is the energy you get back. But nothing made sense, as I was intentional about the energy I put out — at least that’s what I thought.

But instead of feeling fulfilled, I often felt confused. and misunderstood. I questioned myself constantly:

Did I say something wrong?”

“Why do they pull away from me?”

“Why does love feel like something I have to earn… again and again?”

I’m a woman of faith. A mother. A wife. A person who loves deeply and tries hard — often too hard — to hold things together. Somewhere along the line, I began to believe that love meant proving myself worthy, walking on eggshells, avoiding conflict, accepting crumbs, or even shrinking who I was just to keep the peace.

The truth? That love I was waiting for…The love I craved…The love I thought I had to beg or break for…

Was my own.

It was within me all along. Buried beneath guilt and shame. Pressed beneath childhood trauma. Hidden behind all my roles and expectations.

This week, I had a moment. A sacred one. I woke up feeling a bit anxious — like so many mornings before — and instead of pushing the emotions away, I closed my eyes and imagined the little girl inside me. The one who had been working so hard to protect me all these years. I looked at her, anxious and afraid, and whispered:

“You’re safe now.”

“God is here for you.”

“You don’t have to carry this anymore.”

And I meant it.

I pictured her packing her things, not in sadness — but in peace. Her job was done. She could rest now. Because God has me now. Because I have me now.

I’ve come to understand that love — true, unconditional love — must start within. I am no longer chasing approval from those who withhold love as punishment.I am no longer internalizing the silence of others as proof of my inadequacy.I am no longer overthinking every conversation, every pause, every moment.

I am finally sitting in the truth:

I am enough.

I am loved.

And the love I was waiting for… was with me all along.

And now… I've witnessed something magical happening. With each breath, I feel the light returning. I see myself — all of me — and I don’t turn away.

.And the little girl? She’s dancing now. Free. Whole. Home.

Question for you:  Is there a younger version of you who still feels responsible for keeping everyone happy? What would you say to her today?

You hold the power to make each day better than the day before - the choice is always yours.

Niki Spears

www.nikispears.com